Nostalgia

The striking images we have seen in our childhood reside in the shadow of the deepest and most mysterious corners of our minds.  In these remote crevices lie scattered fragments of our favorite Disney movies, cartoons, and comics, the flashbulb memories that link us instantaneously and subconsciously to the first time the riveting emotions of life grasped us and shook us with their intensity.  These images, when triggered by some obscure and jarring stimulus, again shake us from their veiled caverns at the bottom of our memory with a profound and mysteriously masked longing, the origin of these images being long forgotten along with our childhood daydreams.

Tryna Find My Style

Oil on cardboard
April 2012
33 x 20 in

Here is my latest painting.  As you may be able to tell, I am trying to experiment with different styles and media (for example, I modeled this piece after the work of artist Mandy Tsung, and I also tried painting on cardboard with oil paints, which is something I had never previously thought to do).

I have also gotten much faster at producing paintings; it took me around four days of really working on this painting to actually complete it, which is a GRAND improvement from me previous 5-week painting sessions.

Current Song Stuck in Head: Lana Del Rey - Diet Mountain Dew

So, I haven't done one of these bad boys in a while.

I'm not quite sure what to think of Lana Del Rey.  It's true that she underwent a questionable change in appearance in the interim between her quasi-career as Lizzy Grant and her current career as Lana Del Rey--which seems to have the whole hipster world in a tizzy--but there's no denying that her music is catchy.  Enjoy!

Lana Del Rey - Diet Mountain Dew <--right-click to download

Precocity

Black and white colored pencil
March 2012

The Mystery of 'Da Jawn'

[Originally posted on Sunday May 29, 2011 on my other (no longer active) blog]

Some people are very sneaky and mischievous.

Some people are very skilled at playing practical jokes.

When these forces combine, the result is a little like what happened to me... three times.

So, on your average day home from school, I was typing an essay for my english class, all wrapped up in my A.P. world of syntax, diction, and rhetorical tools. Being the distraction-prone teenager that I am, I shifted my focus to Facebook after typing my first paragraph. When I finally bore the self-control whip on my own hide and came back to my essay, the word 'da jawn' had mysteriously appeared in the second-to-last sentence in place of the word 'it'.

Mildly confused, I changed it back and thought to myself (quite fatuously, I admit), "I don't remember typing that...". A few sentences later, I again used the word 'it', only to be greeted with the infamous yellow lightning bolt signifier of Microsoft Word's Autocorrect in action:

Sure enough, 'it' magically transformed to 'da jawn' before my eyes.

So I went to Autocorrect settings to delete the 'autocorrection' of 'the' to 'da jawn', and thought to myself, "what a clever prank!" But frustratingly enough, it baffled me to think about who could have done it, since I didn't (and still don't) remember anyone touching my computer in the recent past.

I eventually finished my essay and moved on with my life, sure that I had conquered all of the Autocorrect struggles that would confront me in life.

I was wrong.

Two weeks later, I was again typing a six page English essay when suddenly, the lightning bolt attacked and the word 'something' transmogrified into, sure enough, 'da jawn'. Perplexed and slightly frustrated, I changed the autocorrect settings, again puzzled by 1. who on Earth had access to my computer and 2. which of my friends would be clever enough to do that. The only place I recalled leaving my computer unoccupied was at Science Olympiad, but when I told my fellow Olympians the story, they were all surprised and highly entertained, so I concluded that it couldn't have been any of them. Again hoping that I'd beat the genius of this jokester by fixing the Autocorrect settings, I moved on.

Around three weeks ago, 'da jawn' entered my life yet again.

I was typing a History essay this time, when I used the forbidden-by-my-English-teacher word 'thing'. Again distracted, I clicked onto another page (Formspring, this time), and when I came back, much to my surprise, 'da jawn' had ousted 'thing' and planted itself on my computer screen with the dramatic accentuation of a yellow lightning bolt. Utterly confounded at this point, I deleted 'da jawn' and, remembering the plea of my English teacher to "never, ever, ever use the word 'thing' in an essay", replaced it with some diction that sounded slightly more highly educated. In all of my confusion, the idea of fixing Autocorrect settings completely slipped my mind, and to this day, 'thing' still morphs into 'da jawn' and I still have absolutely no idea who played this clever and entertaining prank.

And that, my friends, is the unsolved mystery of 'da jawn'.

The Mildly Epic Story of How I Obtained a Cheese Hat

[Originally posted on Friday May 27, 2011 on my other (no longer active) blog]



So, for those of you who do NOT know what a cheese hat is, it's basically the sexiest thing in the world.



All in all, it makes everything look sexier. Even David Archuletta.

Now, this cheese hat isn't any old cheese hat; it's not the one you buy at a store and fasten to your baby's head to make sure it looks sexy (and hopefully doesn't suffocate in the cheese-shaped foam wonderland). No, no, you see. This cheese hat is the one that everyone wants. This cheese hat is the one Wisconsinites, and only Wisconsinites, wear to the National Science Olympiad Tournament's Swap Meet, which just so happened to have been held in Wisconsin this year (making their desirability skyrocket). Yes, my dears, this one Cheesehead® cheese hat has the desirability of Emma Watson and James Franco combined. Mmm, pure sexiness.

To illustrate, there are approximately 10,000 kids at the Science Olympiad National Tournament. Around 20 of these kids are from Wisconsin, so we will assume the presence of 20 cheese hats. That's a ratio of 1 cheese hat to every 500 kids, all of which want a cheese hat.

Now, it's my first year in Olympiad. I wish I would have joined earlier, but I didn't for some reason, so this was my first experience at a swap meet. I had no idea what awaited me. Kids are zipping by with whatever possessions they have to their name, grasping for hats and t-shirts to bring back proudly to their team. Some kids were filing by, eyes glued to the ground, cheese hats gripped tightly to their chests, as unresponsive as possible to the business tactics of the extremely smart adolescent population waving hands, chocolate, license plates, and other miscellaneous knick-knacks in their direction. It looked a little like this:

Poor guy. Meanwhile, I was one of the 9,980 suckers scrambling for a cheese hat, bombarding particularly privileged kids like him. So how did I, out of 9,980 hatless kids, end up with what everyone wanted? Truth be told: hard work. Huhhh?

Well, I started out with a large Hershey's bar and package of Reeses' that I took from our team's booth, as well as a package of Tastycake® Butterscotch Crumpets. I first traded the chocolate bar for a lip whistle, which I traded for a chocolate pop, which I then traded for a Tennesse license plate. I traded the Reeses' for a fake bull skull, which I liked, and the Butterscotch Crumpet for a package of tulip seeds, which I also liked. When I saw people selling funny scientist t-shirts, I scouted out the best one in hopes that it would win someone over (preferably a cheese hat owner, although at the beginning, I didn't suspect that I would get a cheese hat and wasn't entirely desperate either. It wasn't until I realized that every single person there would kill for a cheese hat that I set my mind toward getting it.) The one I got reads: "I am not an English scholar, I is a scientist" (which isn't really pertinent because English is my best subject..). I then saw a boy in a bear hat, which I decided I loved. Approaching his booth, I put my flirty eyes on and showed him my t-shirt. He was quite intrigued, and after hesitating multiple times, said concluded that although he loved the shirt, he loved his bear hat more. I offered him a complementary Butterscotch Crumpet, and after again hearing his apologies, I moped away, disgruntled.

By this time, I has asked around eleven cheese-hat bearers if they would be willing to trade (using my best business tactics), all to no avail. I was wildly running around, cheese-hat hunting, when I finally found a Wisconsin booth, behind of which was a girl in a cheese hat. I rapidly approached the booth, my ears back and my tail pointed, ready for the kill. Calling up my best business face, I offered her the funny scientist t-shirt and a Butterscotch Crumpet (that I had yet to get). She rubbed her chin and said, "I don't know, it doesn't feel right". Luckily, a kind girl from my olympiad team happened to be standing right next to me, and offered me a handful of chocolates, which I added to the offers. She shrugged and asked if I could get her a college t-shirt. Nice girl from my team pulled a UPenn t-shirt out of her bag (THANK GOODNESS!) and I added that to the pile. "Two t-shirts, some chocolates, and a Butterscotch Crumpet, yummm," I said, enticingly (hopefully!). She replied that it still didn't feel right, so I asked what she would want in order to give away her cheese hat. She replied, "either a t-shirt from Purdue University or a hoodie/long sleeve sweatshirt" (she couldn't make her mind up between the two). I said, "done! Save it for me!" She told me she couldn't make any promises, and, feeling the hat so close to my fingertips, I bolted.

The swap meet was held around the stadium, with booths taking up its entire circumference (that's a lot of booths). There were around 120 schools there, that's approximately 120 booths. I rapidly scouted out the two Indiana booths, neither of which had a t-shirt from Purdue. It was then that, without thinking, I took off to run a full lap around the stadium, asking every single booth if they had a sweatshirt. Not one did. Disheartened, I searched for a solution. I still had my skull. I took it out and carried it around, searching once more for a sweatshirt for fear that I had missed a booth. When I went back to one of the booths, a boy behind the counter saw the skull in my hand and exclaimed, "wow, I really like that!" I offered it to him for a t-shirt, and he enthusiastically agreed. I picked up a t-shirt for one of the teams in that state, and, deciding I needed another t-shirt because I couldn't get the sweatshirt, ran to a random booth, quickly (and reluctantly) traded the tulip seeds for another random t-shirt, and bolted nervously back to the cheese hat booth. Suddenly, I was lost. I couldn't find the booth. Flabbergasted, I paced, looking for some identifying structure to tell me where I was. I recognized one of the booths and ran into the crowd, against the lines of kids tunneling at me, or rather, I was tunneling at sloth-like lines of kids. Seeing the booth, I jumped, and ran straight for it, sweating up a storm (mass body heat + running wildly + raw nervousness don't go well together).

Upon seeing me, the girl looked up, mildly confused as to why I didn't have her sweatshirt... or maybe it was because I looked like I had just meandered through a downpour... Anyway, I now had a UPenn t-shirt, two other random t-shirts, a funny scientist t-shirt, and some chocolates. And a whole lotta sweat. I jumped through the group and threw my things on the table (minus the scientist t-shirt, i wanted to see if I could first get away with the three other ones... I was hoping she'd forget about it in my insanity). I told her how I went to every single booth and not one of them had a sweatshirt. Impressed by my story (and probably assured by my sweat), she looked at me. I exclaimed, "I can also get you the Butterscotch Crumpet!", to which she stuck her hand again on her chin and thought, and thought, and thought, and finally replied, "SOLD! GO! Go get the Crumpet and it's yours!" Enthused, I booked it out of the crowd and again through the packs of children to the other side of the stadium, where my booth sat modestly. I vaguely remember jumping on various members of my team who I saw on the way to exclaim, "I'M GETTING I CHEESE HAT!!!" I kinda reminded myself of that little leprechaun dude who clicks his feet together when he jumps:

Anyway, when I got back to the booth, I grabbed a crumpet, shaking, yelled excitedly, "I NEED THIS", and ran away to claim my cheese hat. Beamingly proud of myself, I threw that crumpet down on her table. She took off her hat and said, "here ya go, because you worked so hard for it".

And that, my friends, was an amazing feeling. Many times, you don't realize how great it feels to get something because you worked so hard for it; that's what the instant gratification aspect of technology does for the youth, and the general population. But my cheese hat was hard-earned, and let me tell you, it felt damn good to walk back to my team, sweating, hugging my prize to my chest, 'cause you know what? I was one of the 20 people out of 10,000 that had what everyone wanted. And that sounds snobby, but hey, the less available, the more desirable, and that's how the brain works. Plus, I worked hard for it. Now I was that poor guy in the middle of a crowd of grasping hands:

When we got back to the hotel, the coaches looked baffled. The head coach commented, "wow, a first-time cheese-hatter, you should be a professional swapper".

And damn, did that feel good. Moral of the story: work hard, IT PAYS OFF!!!

On Bullshitting

At my high school, a majority of the student population has adopted a system of doing work known as 'bullshitting', or 'BS-ing'.  BS-ing consists mainly of using combinations of large words to make it sound as though one is making an in-depth and advanced analysis, when in reality, one is just spewing an impressive vocabulary out onto a page in a strategic manner.  Through this method, students can do a large quantity of work fairly quickly by not putting full--or much--effort into anything.  Unfortunately, this method is tried and true, working on almost all teachers, who are swept away by the advanced vocabulary, assuming the student must know what they are talking about if they can speak of it so eloquently. (Apparently, this method works on AP English tests as well.)

Now, the main problem with BS-ing is that it advocates not caring about the quality of one's final product, only the reward for having done it.  In other words, the goal of writing an English paper is not to create a thorough, well-developed, and insightful essay, but to appeal to the teacher and get an 'A'.

Another problem with BS-ing is that it is contagious.  Meaning, when everyone else around you gets an assignment done quickly and gets a good grade on it, you are tempted not to spend hours working on it when you could do it quickly (though not as thoroughly) and receive the same grade.

BS-ing also has negative long-term effects.  Through BS-ing, one's motivation for doing work becomes external, rather than internal, and students maintain this mindset when dealing with other tasks.  One huge example of this is what happens during the college application process.  In this competitive day and age, it has become an unstated requirement to participate in extracurriculars and do community service in order to get into an elite college, as the truly well-rounded people who got into the colleges many years ago did.  The result?  Students joining clubs and doing community service for the sole purpose of having a competitive college application. High school and all of its affiliated activities have become no more than a means to an end.

Now, I am not complaining about the fact that more and more people are doing community service--that's good.  I do not, however, like that the main reason many students care to help their communities is to enhance their own résumés.  I also really don't like the tendency of the 'BS-ing mindset' to metastasize into other areas of life, one main victim being the student's social life.  In other words, having a friend is no longer about having someone to lean on and comfort in return, but about finding peers from whom you can gain something--popularity, for example.

Now, I am aware that this might be an enormous generalization, but it is something that I have often encountered within the student population of my school. An example: last year, in my AP English class, we were required to make oral presentations on one of many topics in front of the class. Beforehand, each student would be assigned a topic to study and construct a research paper on. Each student would then present this paper to the class, who would take notes on it and be prepared to be orally quizzed on any of the presented topics. Well, one day I missed that class period in which the papers were presented (a.k.a. I was pretty much screwed). That night (also the night before the oral quizzes) I asked a total of 15 people in my class for the notes, and the answers I received were: I don't have it, I don't have a scanner, my scanner's broken, or no answer at all. Basically, no one wanted to spend the time to help someone else, because it wouldn't benefit them at all. Yuck.

Anyway, I am going to use this little lesson about bullshitting as a segue into introducing my second personal commandment: 'Take pride in everything you do'.

Bullshitting removes the desire to create a product that you are proud of, and causes people to slack off and do things for the sole purpose of completing them.  I think that is a crappy way to get things accomplished--not to mention the fact that it feels good to create something you're proud of.  Thus, I will work toward creating meritorious products every time I have a task to complete.  If the claws of bullshitting are digging their way into your school as well, I recommend you try doing the same.

The end!

Intimacy?

Intimacy?
Oil on canvas
January 2012

So after weeks of deliberation, I finally settled on a theme for IB Art: Human Superficiality.

This, my most recent piece, helped me along the path to making that decision.  Basically, the idea around this painting is that intimacy, which is generally considered the most 'true', 'real' action that humans are capable of, rarely involves a true depth of emotions in this society.  One night stands, random hookups, and even many relationships are interwoven with superficiality and misconceptions.

The two people are supposed to look like dolls, made of shiny plastic or silicone, and the red lines on their faces are supposed to appear like seams, showing that their appearances--or the way they come off the each other--are erroneous and superficial, and moreover, that their shared intimacy is also artificial.

OVERTHINKING OVERTHINKING OVERTHINKING

It's true.  It seems the happiest people are those that just don't do too much thinkin'.  But if you're a very motivated person with high aspirations, that might not seem like the best route to take.  So, maybe it's just about managing what you think about.


I confess.  I am a pathological overthinker.  I hate it, I can't help it; it just happens.

My recommendation: DON'T DO IT. You won't be able to stop.

If you're already doing it... well, that just sucks for you.  It's going to be a heck of a time trying to stop.  But I am here to help you, not trod in your bucket of insecurity grapes, aren't I?  I am.

So, when I was in eighth grade I had my brain under control.  For some reason, I really just had everything figured out, and I knew what to invest thought in, and what to completely avoid thinking about.  But of course, with the high-school-imposed onset of stress and anxiety, my brain began to tick.  Where I didn't want it to.

So what did I do?

Well, [un]lucky for me, I have not yet reached the point of its resolution in the novel of my life.  So the battle drags on, day after day, and ladies and gents: it's a slow one.

However, my long and painful battle against overthinking does have one benefit! [or so I tell myself]
All of my experimentation with different mind-conquereing tactics can inform my advice, for you!

I've basically figured out what to do to stop overthinking; I just haven't actually done it yet.
[insert sad face here]

Here's how I break down the goal, or the opposite of overthinking:

1. Don't think about the way you look, the way you're acting, or what anyone around you thinks about you.  Focus instead on the situation itself, the person you're with, or what you are doing in the moment.

2. Recognize that you don't have control over the situation or how the other person/people feel(s).  Think about it this way: if you let yourself just be yourself, the people around you that would naturally be drawn to your wonderful personality will be, because it has a chance to shine through!  If you are always acting a certain way in order to get the people around you to like you, you'll lose complete sense of your identity as your social groups change.  You can never know exactly what anyone thinks of you, so it's really just a waste of time to spend all your life stressing about their opinions (or more likely, your inaccurate perception of their opinions; people don't hate you as much as you like to think they do)!

3. Lighten up.  Realize that everything is a learning process, and that's what most situations are there for: to teach you.  So instead of wondering how to make each situation perfect, think about each situation as an experiment.  Well, let's see what will happen if I take Arielle's excellent advice and try acting like myself.  If it doesn't work, oh well!  Remember, it's the process that matters, not the result.

4. The cliché: live in the moment.  Seriously though.  Spending time with a close friend you barely see is hardly worth it if you spend the whole time worrying about your history paper, or more likely, what the impact on them will be of each and every one of your actions.  Instead, try focusing on the little things in the moment: that's where the real beauty lies! (check out 1000awesomethings.com)  Children are so carefree because they are always engaged in the present and appreciate the wonderful little things that are there to see!

5. Smile.  Even if you aren't relaxed, smiling is good for you!  Sometimes a little self-imposed confidence is what we need to help something deeper take root (like real confidence).  Smiling helps you relax, as well as everyone around you.  It loosens things up.

6. DON'T think about these tips too much.  I think that's my problem.  I'll sit there with someone I like or I want to like me, beating myself over the head with a hammer saying, "be yourself, be yourself!"  Yeah, chances are that's gonna happen with a self-imposed sledgehammer hovering above my head.
The key: don't overthink not overthinking.  Just be.

I hope these tips will help my fellow overthinkers out there, as it's extremely stressful to have difficulty letting loose and letting go when you'd really like to, not to mention blaming yourself for your inability to act natural when you lose a blooming relationship with someone.

Best of luck! (I know I'll need it)
xox

Current Song Stuck in Head: The Strokes - Machu Picchu

The Strokes - Machu Picchu <-- right click to download

Personal Ten Commandments

So... I must make a resolve, my dear readers.  As I have not had the time to write a dissertation-of-a-post lately, I have ceased posting altogether.  And this, my friends, may not go on.

So!  I will hereby make all of my posts brief, so I can post more often without feeling bad about blogging instead of doing my homework.

On to the point of this post:

As a human being, I am constantly correcting myself, telling myself what I should and should not do.  In order to do so, I have told myself a plethora of strategies for getting around or overcoming my human weaknesses and insecurities, but the techniques have piled up so that I've really lost all sight of direction.

I recently stumbled upon Gretchen Rubin's blog, The Happiness Project, in which she lays out for herself (and for her readers) the steps she knows she needs to take in order to tackle her human insecurities and truly pursue happiness.  In order to do so, she has consolidated these must-do's into lists of sorts, which I think is an excellent idea.  [It also helps that many parts of her lists give voice to thoughts I have been carrying around for a long time, in an abstract and indecipherable form.]

So, following her lead, I will attempt to do the same [seeing as my documents-upon-documents of inspirational quotes have failed at moving me], first coming up with a list of personal commandments.  I invite you on my journey to find these meaningful one-liners, perhaps finding your own along the way.  I will document my progress in a list on my sidebar. ------>>>

My first personal commandment will be a line that I first heard from Nike and then from my role model at my school, who graduated last year:

"Just do it".

This overused line hadn't the slightest meaning to me until I heard my role model's interpretation of it.  He explained that if you want to get something done, the best way is not to overthink it, and to "just do it".  So far, this has helped me accomplish my goals in a shorter [and less stressful] amount of time, and helped to counter my terrible essay-triggered habit of procrastinating.

Cheers, to you and to a new way to get where we want to be!

Cultural Isolation - Since 1813

Oil paint on canvas, acrylic on paper and craft sticks
October 2011
Click to view larger

Well, this is a painting that I did recently, which took me 5 weeks to complete.

The eye, which is actually a painting of my eye, represents me, the observer.  The railroad tracks that surround the eye represent the affluent area in which I live, called the Main Line because it developed around the main railroad line, which was established in 1813 (hence the date on the plaque).  Around the Main Line lies the rest of the world, which I am isolated from because I live in such an affluent area.

Thus, the painting as a whole represents my cultural isolation in the Main Line.  Enjoi!

Narayanan Krishnan - Feeding the Hungry, Nourishing the Soul

In 2002, Narayanan Krishnan abandoned his career as a leading Indian chef to become a social worker, supplying meals to the homeless.

Prior to his decision to serve the Indian destitute, Krishnan was an award-winning chef in Taj Hotels, Bangalore, and was short-listed for an elite job in Switzerland.  Before he set out for Europe, he visited his family in Madurai, Tamil Nadu, India.  He speaks of a life-changing experience he had during this visit:

"I saw a very old man, literally eating his own human waste out of hunger. I went to the nearby hotel and asked them what was available. They had idli, which I bought and gave to the old man. Believe me, I had never seen a person eating so fast, ever. As he ate the food, his eyes were filled with tears. Those were the tears of happiness.”

In 2003, Krishnan founded the Akshaya Trust, a nonprofit organization that feeds the homeless and mentally disabled in Madurai, Tamil Nadu.  He serves breakfast, lunch, and dinner to 400 elderly and indigent people in Madurai, and provides those he serves with haircuts and shaves to give them extra dignity.

Krishnan was selected as one of the top ten in CNN's "Heroes of 2010" list.

The Companion

Tempera Resist.  June 2011

Current Song Stuck in Head: The New Pornographers - Crash Years

The New Pornographers - The Crash Years <-- right-click to download

I LOVE HASHTAGS

(My apologies for the completely unfunny comic; my
researching capacities are not great enough for me to be
able to find good hashtag comics online)

Yes, the Twitter phenomenon has won my heart.

In case the title didn't say it all, I really really really like hashtags.

And see them as the literary tool of the future.

I can imagine this sounding really odd.  Well, the thing with hashtags is that they add an undertone to text that cannot exist through any other device.  Sure parentheses add supplementary information to sentences, but they tend to appear unsophisticated and add breaks in the prose that hinder its fluidity.

Hashtags, on the other hand, are more subtle and add undertones to a phrase, which make lucid its tone and implications.  Hashtags can, and most frequently do, add humor to a phrase.  They can also emphasize irony, frustration, excitement, and just about any other sentiment out there whose expressiveness can be limited by text.  In my opinion, hashtags add a third dimension to written language and bring it closer in accuracy to spoken language.  Additionally, there's a sort of aesthetic pleasure in the use of a hashtag as a subtle form of elaborating on the thoughts expressed in a sentence.  When an aesthetically pleasing sentence falls short of implying what it was intended to, additional words or sentences may be necessary to clarify the sentence's usage.  More often than not, this elaboration detracts from the simple beauty of a sentence.

So... because of my love of hashtags, I have resolved to write a book.. using hashtags.. in order to experiment with their potential use in literature.

YAY, more projects that distract me from things I actually need to do! [No.]

(...This project might have to be held off for a little while)

Anyway, I hope I transmuted some of my hashtag love to you, and/or possibly countered some potential criticisms of my hashtag-inclusive future novel.

... As a side note, I should really consider being an English major.  I love language so much it's probably unhealthy. #suchanerd

Current Song Stuck in Head: The National - Slow Show

The National - Slow Show <-- right click to download

Current Song Stuck in Head : James Yuill - This Sweet Love

James Yuill - This Sweet Love <-- right-click to download

On Anger. . . Anecdotally

We all know those times when someone just reaally sends us off the edge... those times when words come spurting out, unfiltered, and although a deep urge tells us that what we are saying is wrong, it keeps coming, like a car spun out of control.

And, of course, we all know the feeling that follows this outburst, where we greet that person with spitefulness and resentment when they near us, although, if questioned, we wouldn't quite know why.

Now, this might be just me, but it is in this phase of anger that I feel a deep, deep remorse.  I know that continuing the resentment is painful, but part of my body just yearns to wallow in its own misery, and let the offending party see the wrong they did.  However, as I have realized time after time (that said, with the same party), they never learn.  Knowledge of this fact only exacerbates that feeling of ruefulness; not only is the temporary grudge harmful, but pointless as well.

However, you then realize that it would seem odd to just flip on the 'happy' switch after exhibiting intense forms of loathing, and resort to continuing this spiteful despondency.

Well, a friend of mine gave me some very good advice when I expressed to him my pain in dealing with the aforementioned party.  He told me to sit down by myself and speak aloud the details of the situation, as though I am speaking to a psychologist.  Doing so allows one to make their struggles concrete, for the notion that 'once something has been said it has been made permanent' pervades all of humanity.  When the situation is made palpable, it is much easier to navigate, and whirling emotions no longer reign the dominant force.  This allows you to view the situation objectively and guide yourself from outside of the scenario, much in the way you would give advice to a friend (ever wonder why your advice always works when you give it to others but you always have trouble following it yourself? Emotions, my friend. Subjectivity and emotions.)

Tonight an argument arose between the aforementioned party and me.  Tonight, indignation served as my reaction to this party's behavior.  On this night, the situation I discussed above ensued.  Anguished as I was in my vengeful sulk, I decided to take my friend's advice.  Within a minute of doing so, my  rationality had returned and my emotions had been damped.  I confronted the party calmly, apologizing for my anger with clear hopes to move on.  I did not, however, ask the party to apologize.  Apologies are made for the self, not for the other.  Although it does feel darn good to hear someone you're angry at admit they're wrong, you cannot force an apology out of anyone; a true apology is made because one feels they have wronged the other.  (This, I suppose, is the cause for my post-argumental sulk... to communicate the effects of the other person's wrongdoing and elicit an apology.  Pointless.  It is pointless.)  Apologize for your actions, because chances are you, too, did something wrong, even if it was merely the intensity with which you reacted to the other person's actions.  Apologize; no justifications, no accusations.  Just an apology.  Perhaps, by hearing you admit your mistakes (and thus make yourself vulnerable), the other party will step off of their defensive high horse to common ground, admitting their wrongdoing as well.  Well wouldn't that be fine and dandy?  Just maybe, that's what they'll do.

I guess the purpose of this post was to help you, the reader, acknowledge the unproductive nature of anger, and encourage you to step back and use my friend's so-helpful method before losing control and potentially hurting someone close to you, or even yourself.

Current Song Stuck in Head [For a Week!]: The Kooks - Ooh La

The Kooks - Ooh La <-- right-click to download

Special Needs and Love

Have you ever noticed the seemingly undying contentment* displayed by those with special needs? They are always laughing and smiling at the world around them, spreading love to everything and everyone they see, regardless of whether the recipient is conscious of it or not. Why is it, do you think, that the people who are born into a life where their actions are limited by their own disabilities, look at life with the utmost happiness?

Is it because they can't understand? They can't see and thus react to the misery that others suffer? Or is it that they see more than we do? Or do they merely marvel at the beauties of Nature, unweighed down by miseries and tormenting thoughts, exclusively open to the beauties and extravagance of the world around them? I believe in Unconditional Love, or loving everyone's soul regardless of how they portray themselves on the outside, because I believe that each human is a beautiful work of God, and one to be appreciated. Love has been known to provoke feelings of ecstasy. If you have experienced Love, and I use this term not in its common context as between boyfriends and girlfriends but as something similar to Unconditional Love, it naturally makes sense to hear that that life is meant to be lived a constant state of ecstasy. I have experienced this with Nature. Everything in Nature astounds me so, and its power is simply magnificent to me. I capitalize 'Nature' because by using this term, I refer to all of Gods creations, and it is exactly (and oh! so broadly) this that I love.  I capitalize 'Love' as a noun because it signifies such a remarkably profound and godlike concept.  I have experienced the ecstasy that one feels when surrounded by something they endlessly love and are infinitely fascinated by. Additionally, I have experienced the deep misery that I placed myself in for three years, and looking back, I see what hard work it was, always having to pick something out to be miserable about when around me [and inside me] there was so much to rejoice about! [Truly, the functionality of the human body is astounding!]  Naturally, because of my experiences, this quote resounded with me when I heard it:

"Ecstasy is our very nature; not to be ecstatic is simply unnecessary. To be ecstatic is natural, spontaneous. It needs no effort to be ecstatic, it needs great effort to be miserable. That’s why you look so tired, because misery is really hard work; to maintain it is really difficult, because you are doing something against nature."— Osho

Think of children and their continuous fascination with all around them. People with special needs seem merely to hold perpetuations of this childlike wonder. As I mentioned with my love of Nature, being fascinated with one's surroundings tends to lead to feelings of ecstasy and constant amazement, and then Love. Thus, we can assert that this deep fascination is essentially synonymous with 'Love'.

“Love the animals, love the plants, love everything. If you love everything, you will perceive the divine mystery in things. Once you perceive it, you will begin to comprehend it better every day. And you will come at last to love the whole world with an all-embracing love.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Doesn't this all-embracing love seem to be similar to how those with special needs greet their worlds?  It seems to me that people with special needs are living their lives blissfully, simply, and freely, while adding to others' lives by showing them this love and giving them the means by which to understand something very foreign to them--special needs.  In my opinion, people with special needs contribute much to the lives of others.

If our natural state is ecstasy, what has caused so many of us to lack it?  Why do people often look very lost and miserable when they are surrounded by such beauty and works of God?  Is it the seemingly insatiable desire that results from being exposed to excessive material goods?  The emphasis on luxury and appearance that permits anyone from being 'good enough'?  What is it [or what is it not] in the minds of those with special needs that promotes them to radiate contentment and Love every moment of their lives?

*What is meant by the word 'contentment' is not happiness.  Contentment can exist is times of joy and times of grief, as it solely refers to not resisting what Life brings at each moment--in other words, being present.

MUTO, a Wall-Painted Animation by BLU

MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

The new short film by Blu
an ambiguous animation painted on public walls.
Made in Buenos Aires and in Baden (fantoche)

blublu.org/​
blublu.org/​sito/​video/​muto.htm

Goddess of Sight

Pencil on paper. August 2011
Click to view image larger

Current Song Stuck in Head: Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution

Last night, I went to my first real concert, which just so happened to be the dual tour of two of my favorite bands, both of whom I've been listening to since seventh grade: Jack's Mannequin and Guster.  Never had I ever fathomed that the two would play together, as they seem to attract such different crowds.  So, as you can imagine, my reaction went a little like this:

I couldn't find a jumping up and down in your desk chair gif, but I can assure you I did all three actions!  Anyway, I immediately hopped on those tickets and prepped myself by listening continuously to Jack's Mannequin, Guster, and Ra Ra Riot (their opening band) for a month.

Last night I got to the gates while Ra Ra Riot was on (I unfortunately got delayed and missed most of their act :( ).  Much to my dismay, it wasn't very crowded, and I dejectedly but resolutely hoped that more people would show up to support Jack's Mannequin.  After Ra Ra Riot, Jack's Mannequin came on, and Andrew McMahon's passion did not disappoint.  He is such an incredible pianist and it's evident how much he loves his music and how much he puts into it--his movements were completely influenced by the music his band was playing, you could tell.  Ah, his passion gets me so.  In a guy, that gets me more than anything.  If a guy is uncontrollably passionate about something (especially if it's music, I want to say), he's already nearly won me over.  As I hoped, more people showed up and the Festival Pier ended up being packed.  Andrew expressed his gratitude to all of us (Philadelphia) for always being the most supportive group, which warmed my heart.  Oh, how I wish success upon him!  My favorites of the songs he played were Made for Each Other/You Can Breathe, The Mixed Tape, The Resolution, and Annie Use Your Telescope.  It was fun to see how he changed some of the words of his songs that I'm so familiar with to apply to Philadelphia (the east coast).

  
  

Guster came on afterwards, and they were just great!  They have a very relaxed stage presence and experimented a bit on stage.  You may have noticed the odd contraption of Andrew's head in the last picture above; since the first concert that Guster's Ryan Miller (lead vocals, guitar) attended was Air Supply, he decided to actually make himself into an air supplier.  Yes, like this:

All of their songs were very well performed; I especially like Barrel of a Gun, Hang On, Architects and Engineers, and On the Ocean.  The eclectic mix of drums they use is quite a tasteful aspect of their sound!

  

In the end, Andrew came out and he accompanied Guster in a cover of Peter Bjorn & John's "Young Folks". It was quite good, and a great song selection seeing as it's so popular--everyone could sing along!

  

Anyway, since the concert, Jack's Mannequin's "The Resolution" has been continuously stuck in my head!  Knowledge of his struggle with Leukemia gives this song all of the power it has to me--it's so uplifting and empowering!  Andrew McMahon, my heart is with you!

Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution by KROQ

Jack's Mannequin - The Resolution <-- right-click to download